Another miracle is on its way, due to arrive sometime early November. It seems that our first little miracle has paved the way for the second – after such an emotional and draining journey to have Nathan, we’ve found ourselves on another rollercoaster, albeit somewhat unexpectedly. Who would have thought after a five year wait and almost two years of IVF that we’d come home from our first family holiday to discover a natural pregnancy? Apparently it happens all the time – or so people say – but after experiencing a struggle you simply don’t believe it could ever be possible.
The second pregnancy, though physically feels much the same, is really rather different emotionally. When I took that test (alone, so as to prepare myself for disappointment before telling my husband) and saw the very clear blue lines that indicate a positive result, my first feeling was one of disbelief mixed with excitement. It quickly turned into oh-my-gosh-what-have-we-done – I mean, our baby was only 14 months old and having him was manageable in terms of lifestyle, finances and travel. Two babies under two? What more can I say.
I told my husband and he felt the same. The excitement of a positive test quickly dissolved into pure shock – how could this be, a year after having had our first miracle baby and not actively trying for another? Like I said, we’d spent years checking calendar dates and wasting money on ovulation tests, which eventually led us to fertility treatment – so how could we possibly have hit the jackpot twelve months later without even trying?
Next came the guilt; the news had sunk in and suddenly I realised Nathan would only ever have had one Christmas and one birthday with just his mummy and daddy. He’d never remember life as the three of us, how precious he is.
Now, there’s not really time to feel much at all because life goes on with the prepping and the cooking, the washing and the ironing (thanks mum), and the hours at work spent trying my best to be my best and the hours at home trying my best to do my best. As parents we are both in the same hamster wheel, on opposite sides, barely a minute to spend entirely listening to the other before an interruption. Which means that this pregnancy and all its wonders aren’t quite as treasured.
Of course, it’s equally as precious, but it’s rushed, the weeks flying by while I look forward to having the new baby, finding a new routine, and getting back to feeling myself – my new self as first a mother and second as a woman. The precious moments of the first time around (analysing the growth of the bump and Googling everything, and lying down to do nothing but wait for those butterfly-like first movements) are lost in a sea of everyday chores. And when there is a spare few minutes it’s not spent waiting for the unborn baby to do something, it’s spent marvelling at the progress and gorgeousness of the 17-month-old who makes us smile every day regardless of how it’s gone.
But this doesn’t mean the second pregnancy is any less special. It doesn’t mean we don’t know how lucky we are, truly. To have not one miracle, but two, is more than we could ever have dreamt of and we are still acutely aware of those mums and dads who have lost, of those mums and dads who never were, of those mums and dads who are losing hope as I type this blog post.
Naively, I hope that everyone feels as fortunate as we do. Realistically, I know this can’t be true. But what I can do is be thankful, do my best, remember what is truly important, and always be kind and considerate towards others. And that’s what I will teach these babies, however many of them may come along.
I’m wearing: top, Boohoo maternity; jeans, M&S maternity; trainers, Superga; bag, Furla; bracelet, gift; ring, Monica Vinader.
Images: Kris Miller
Location: Broughty Ferry, Dundee